Doing To Others

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12 ESV

Some thoughts occurred to me this morning and I wanted to type them out.

Jesus, while here, gave us the above verse. It has become known as “The Golden Rule”.

The golden rule tells us that we are to do to others as we would have them do unto us. That’s nice, isn’t it?

Treat others as we would want ourselves to be treated.

Sounds great.

Jesus also says in Mark 12:31 that we are to love our neighbor as ourself.

Also great wisdom and instruction.

Over the course of my life I have observed humanity like these two verses quite a bit. But I believe they like them , in many cases, for the wrong reasons. The motives behind embracing them tend toward selfishness.

Further, it seems that in a less than healthy dynamic, these verses are twisted to suit the desires of the selfish nature inside us.

Often, we are led to believe that we should roll over on our standards or “boundaries” so that another will feel happy, content, or “good”. Giving others what they want will often be equated to “doing unto others”. However, this can be done as a giving in to another’s less than healthy ambitions or desires.

I don’t think this is helpful. It borders on manipulation, pure and simple.

Let me explain to you what I mean.

I am a pushy man. My parents will tell you that I was always incredibly persistent. Often, I would not take no for an answer from as early as I could talk.

I was relentless (and still can be). I want what I want and I want it now…and no one is going to get in my way. This has been a general mindset for me and it’s caused me significant levels of trouble through the years.

In some ways, this is a good trait. My wife will tell you that I get stuff done. Once it is determined something needs to be done, handled, fixed or organized, I get it done with focus and persistence and in general, I get it done well.

In other ways, not so good.

We are all bent toward sinfulness and selfishness. The same dogged persistence I demonstrate to the good can also and has also be used to the bad.

Using the very same persistence I have for the good, I have also manipulated others and often have “kicked and screamed” til I have gotten what I wanted; to the detriment of those around me.

It’s here that I believe Matthew 7:12 may have an application that many in the church of America today or among the Christian circles in which we associate may need to be reevaluated.

As I’ve considered this, I’ve asked myself today, what do I wish other’s would do to me or for me?

I thought about a few things and I hope in putting them down in writing they serve not only as a reminder to me when a day comes I may need to revisit them, but also they may give you pause to consider how they might apply to your life and the various challenges you feel you face with those around you and those you love.

Here are a few ways I’d like others to do to (for) me and as such I will do to (for) them.

• Speak to me directly and honestly.

• Set, establish, and keep personal boundaries

• Communicate the boundaries clearly

• Tell me when you don’t like something I am doing

• Set a limit and keep it…do you hear me? Keep it.

• Keep your promise and DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WILL DO!

• Respect and honor my own boundaries

• Let my no mean no

• Stop trying to make or expect me be like you

These are a few ideas that came to mind today.

For example, let’s say that I become addicted to drugs. Having close relationships to others around me who are addicted to substances, I know they are very able and capable of the guilt trip and excel in lying and manipulation through emotional tyranny.

This is one area many Christians and “do gooders” drop the ball. They enable the addict to keep up their habit. They do this thinking they are “doing unto others”. They provide financial support, they give money, they give in to the one they love out of fear. Parents and spouses fear their death should they not get their way, when in truth they are simply helping them on their slow march toward death by enabling them to keep on using; keep on abusing, keep on avoiding doing the responsible and right things. By giving in to them, by allowing them to take advantage, they are actually helping them kill themselves slowly by their drug or substance abuse.

This is wrong.

If I am an addict the best thing you can do for me is to disallow me to keep on practicing my habit by setting boundaries and keeping them. When you do what you say and say what you mean, you help me, as the addict to face the harder choices in life, sooner, rather than much, much later. Do I want the drug or do I want to live? Do I want the drug, or do I want a home and roof over my head?

The only way a human being can or will make hard choices for themselves is if those around them stop allowing them to choose the wrong thing without consequence thus enabling them to continue to live in their horrible life and it’s habits.

Two of my own children had to be “kicked out” of my house earlier than I would have liked. Many in the “churchy” world thought I was being too harsh, too hard, too cruel. (They were wrong).

While it was hard for Joelle, my wife, to watch it taking place, she stood by my side and supported the necessary steps.

In both cases, these two now grown children have turned their lives around and did so very quickly once faced with the harsh reality of dealing with their stupid choices. I am proud of who they have both turned into and it didn’t take years and years to get there. When the harsh reality of their choice hit them square in the face, they changed quickly.

All of the children growing up in my home, under my parental leadership knew well that dad says what he means and means what he says.

As their adult life came upon them, they had to learn this applies not only as a child, but too as an adult.

Yet, in both instances, both have thanked me for doing the then very hard thing. They have both said it needed to happen to get them to wake up to their poor choices.

In another example, I put up with poor choices and acts from my first wife for a long time. A really long time. Much, much longer than I should have.

A sort of opposite took place here. I allowed it to go on for so long because I thought that

a) I had control over her choices to change and

b) I feared life without her should she choose to leave when offered ultimatums

But, with time, and years of mental and emotional pain endured, I chose to kick her out of the house due to the choices she continued to make over and over again.

It should have happened much sooner than it did. It was a horribly hard process to enact and then live through for both me and for her I am sure. On the other side of it, I can’t imagine today, years later, being still stuck in the cycle she and I had become accustomed to. For her sake, and for mine, I had to severe ties. It didn’t happen quickly or easily, but it finally did.

After being kicked out, and a choice to make she indeed did choose to leave for someone else; the man she had been involved with. But in the end, that pain was necessary and was worth the risk of losing it all, because as it turns out I gained freedom from tyranny.

These were difficult and hard lessons both in their deployment (for me) and their consequences (for them).

This is what I want others to do for me should the time come.

I do not want others to allow me to “get away with murder” as I walk through life. I don’t want others around me to allow me to live selfishly without regard for others. If I am making wrong choices, I’d rather be stopped sooner than later. And no, no one can stop me from going down the wrong path if I am hell bent on doing so. But they can be the catalyst which helps usher in the consequences to my choices. In doing this, they are in fact doing unto others (me) for the right reasons so that in the end, I may find my way back to the straight path.

As a Believer, I must have others around me who will tell me now and mean it when called for. Sooner is much better than later.

Yes, I may try and guilt them and twist the words of the Lord to get them to relent, hoping they will give in and “Love your neighbor” or “Do unto me…”.

But in the end, if the love themselves and love me as themselves, they won’t relent. They will hold strong until I look myself square in the face and tell myself no.

Because often, what’s good for us, what needs to be done for us, what needs to be done “unto us” is the hard, uncomfortable thing.

That’s what I think about that.

I hope you find this helpful today.

rob out