Losing In Life

Hey there. I used to be afraid of heights. Did you know that?

At any rate…

I just sat down tonight with my wife and a few lady friends from high school. One is visiting from MI.

Poor woman.

Having to live in her state, under that Tyrant. I hate tyranny. I hate the control and evil people like Gretchen Whitmer, drunk on power, attempt to wield over people. I would type out a bunch of bad names, but I have committed to myself it’s time to clean up my language.

Stop with the 4 letter words. It’s enough already Rob.

(although I will say…the people are more to blame because they willingly allow her to tyrannize their lives)

As we talked (who am I kidding, as I talked) I was struck by something I thought prudent to share with you.

I hope it encourages you.

Life can really suck the wind out of us, can’t it?

I know there are a lot of people around preaching “your happiness isn’t circumstantial”. Yeah, I know. They are right…I guess.

Pain is pain regardless. It ain’t no happy time when you go through pain. It is a real drag.

Losing in life sucks rocks. Losing what we love. Losing our job, our spouse, a child, our best friend dog, our home. Losing in sports, losing elections, losing a country. Losing in business, losing in government…. It all just SUCKS!

But pain…and losing…is part of the building of metal required to make it through life.

Pain teaches us to appreciate pleasure.

Losing teaches us to appreciate winning. It teaches us to strive to win. (Hopefully losing teaches us to be mindful of what we DO have right here, right now. Not what we would have or could have. That which is special and important regardless of how small the fear in our lives has relegated these to…for the moment.)

It teaches us, if we are smart and watchful, that winning requires choices that are difficult. It requires a certain level of courage. It requires feeling alone at times. It requires feeling fear and anxiety.

Anyone who competes or does extraordinary things will be the first to tell you that fear is natural. What is not natural is letting that fear dictate to you and stop you from achieving what you are called by God on this earth to do.

It requires acknowledging the fear, embracing it, and running straight ahead into it. Think David running to Goliath.

I like speaking. I enjoy inspiring people to rise higher. I can speak to large groups comfortably.

However, even with this gift, don’t think for a single moment that before standing in front of the crowd I do not suffer some with anxiety and feelings of anticipation, fear, and anxiousness.

Anyone that respects people, respects those set and sitting to listen will feel fear to some degree.

It becomes more that we simply do not let it stop us from stepping on stage when the time comes. We go in spite of our fear. We trust God for the rest.

My friend is struggling with some really tough choices. One in particular that she needs to make.

She has put this choice off for 2 years or better.

In that two years she has lived miserably. Depressed, anxious, sad, angry, spitting mad. Lonely, lethargic, at times barely able to function. Even physically ill and falling apart.

Why?

Fear keeps her continuing to stay static in the position she has found herself for a number of years.

Instead of accepting what is in front of her, she is trying to find ways to negotiate with this particular demon believing at some point she will persuade this metaphorical entity to give in to her and let her have her way. They are a cunning brood, these Wormwoods among us, brought to life so eloquently in C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters.

That being, “let me have what I used to have and don’t require me to have to change at all”.

To do any other such thing has become too overwhelming in her mind. And as such, it has put her in a state of paralyses.

Sadly, in this paralyses, she maintains a constant state of gray in her emotions and mind. She remains confused and unclear on how to get “well”.

Her friends don’t get her best. Worse yet, her children do not either.

She continues to hope that what likely cannot be, will still be, and in vain sits and wastes one day after another, after another, wishing and hoping beyond hope that all will go back to what it was 10-15-20 years ago.

How many people do you know who waste years longing for what used to be, always looking backward, never forward, walking in circles because of it?

In our talk tonight, I tried to explain to her how to get well.

She asked very pointedly how to get better.

What is the answer to getting better? She pushed it some.

Some months back she called me mortified at news she had found out about.

I talked to her, listened to her. Gave her the most straight forward, direct counsel I could.

After a month or so, it became clear. She was stuck…and wanted to stay stuck.

Today, months later, after not talking to her since our conversation last year, much was the same. (and I can’t be sure with all the China Virus crap if it actually wasn’t the fall of the previous year…making it 2 years ago) Although, to her credit, she had finally made the trip here she talked of in those last phone calls.

“You have to do the very thing you are avoiding. You have to do the very hardest thing of your life” I told her.

“You will not every realize ‘better’ until you do.”

In her particular situation, if she were to choose the course in this choosing that will be the hard choice, from the first day after making the choice, it will be about 4.5 to 5 years until such time she will see things and feel things becoming normal…or better.

This is not to say that it will not slowly improve with time.

But to be fully healed, it will take first the decision to “have the surgery” so to speak. And once that day comes and passes, 4-5 years of recovery until fully recovered.

So my next question became;

“How old are you willing to be when you reach that 5 year mark?”

If you go back to Michigan Sunday and make the hard choice, you will be 56 when you feel better.

Put it off a year, you will be 57 when you feel fully healed.

Stall it for another 2 years, and you will be 59.

Perhaps you prefer 65?

70?

Maybe even 80?

I made it clear.

From my experience in her dilemma along with the experience of a few others I have “coached” or walked with through this same thing, the rule of 1 year for 5 is very accurate.

I didn’t want to believe it was true when I heard the 1 year for 5 rule either.

But it was right.

I hurt myself by denying it.

I hope to help her avoid the pain I realized by doing so; by my own denial.

The hard things never go away voluntarily.

They just torment us incessantly until we stand up.

It’s only when we stand up to the Tyranny of their abuse (the hard thing that is) that they run away.

Some are more stubborn than others.

The longer they have been on your property, the more rooted and entrenched they are.

Some require a baseball bat to beat them off.

Some a 2x4.

Still other’s a Mack Truck running them over.

And other’s an Abrams tank.

It’s all the same.

Stop denying the fear you have. Stop avoiding facing it.

Acknowledge it.

Name it.

Give it a big hug and let it know, it’s time for it to face death.

Call it by name.

When you do, put it on notice.

Let it know you plan to begin bringing your own level of pain to it, instead of this fear bringing it to you. The tormenting daily, as Goliath did to the Israelites, will officially end…today.

“I will no longer be afraid of you and your taunting. I will fight you, and I will kick your teeth in. You may get a few blows in. You may even dislodge my hip permanently. (Gen 32:25) But you will no longer have my emotions or my life. I am taking it/them back so that I may live to fully deploy what Christ has given me to do.“

Send that fear packing and make it sorry it has spent so much time controlling your life and your choices.

Your life belongs to Christ. You choices belong to you.

Get that straight and you will be on your way to the victory and healing you hope to gain.

Friends, I speak to you from experience. I am 52 years old (I think). Fear of failure and fear of losing has put me in this very paralyses I speak to you of now.

It kept me from joining the military.

It kept me from going to college (NOT that this is a negative BTW).

It kept me working for my family for far too long in life.

It kept me in a marriage well past when I had every biblical “right” and approval to get out, only hurting my children and those in my life at the time for the worse by doing so.

It has put me in a place that I am not really happy with at this juncture in life.

I believe I have been called to more, to greater, but the fears outlined above have stopped me from realizing much success, if any at all.

Don’t make my mistakes. We all have a time stamp on our lives. God doesn’t let us live forever. Each day wasted is another day you can’t get back.

Through my failures I hope to be able to encourage others to avoid theirs and to find joy and success by making better choices than I have.

~rob out