Boy That HURTS!

Openly Honest

Today my mind has wandered around to the matters of relationships. Specifically the relationships which provide for us the deepest meanings.

The Marital Relationship, The Parent-Child relationship and those few very close friendships we may try and maintain.

Over and over again I see so many people struggling as relationships develop with being let down by the other party to which they relate.

Often this pain and struggle can be averted or at least minimized if steps are taken right now to reverse the progress of dysfunction which may be present in our relationships.

Today is the day to begin a reversal of such bad habits.

At the top of this list is to make a decision right now that from this day forward you will, regardless of the cost, be totally and openly honest in your words.

A god Complex

I’d like to begin by addressing what I like to refer to as The god Complex.

What is this “god Complex”?

Knowingly or not, it’s when I/you believe you own the choices and decisions of another human being.

Put plainly, we do NOT own another human being’s choices. Period. I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but regardless of how important we may think we are, or how highly we have elevated ourselves in our mind’s eye, we are not God.

Let me elaborate some as this particular portion of the relationship problem really and I mean REALLY aggravates me. In fact, it’s borderline infuriating.

I’ll soften this a bit to note that I think it very likely most people don’t think about it from this perspective, but this is truly the root thinking (whether it’s realized or not) demonstrated in the god Complex. And…we all do it. Me included.

We all have choices. We can choose to act or not act, do or not do, go or stay. Every last one of us has these same choices. Regardless your standing in your family, community, job, or country, you always have options.

You will see the god Complex manifest in various comments with the same general theme.

The wording will often be framed as follows;

“I don’t want to inconvenience you in any way”.

“I won’t ask them do to that because I don’t want to burden them”.

“I don’t want to make such a demand because it might just be more than they can handle”.

Take note. We who utters such phrases are coming at it from the god perspective.

Here’s what I mean.

In making such a statement, the one uttering it (whether conscious of it or not) believes the simple fact that whatever they ask, from whoever they ask, it will be done. From their perspective, the other side of the discussion, the person being asked, has no choice BUT to do whatever is requested.

It’s as if the people who make such statements believe that all of humanity must do any and all things they ask whenever they ask it. They then, through their “I don’t want to inconvenience you…” statement elevate themselves (in their mind) to being some sort of benevolent god who is releasing the people from the burdens of being required to fulfill their desires.

In truth, people who talk and think this way are directly stealing from their fellow human beings the opportunity to make a choice or decision to say yes or no.

In fact, for those in our world who love to and are called to help others and assist in solving problems, this steals the ability to bless and help their fellow man in a God honoring way.

I suspect there are reasons behind this. I’ve often considered perhaps those who have this complex were raised in a home where they where never allowed to express the word no. Perhaps they were raised by a parent who made demands and no matter what, if you tried to refuse they brought their wrath.

As a parent of adult children, in retrospect, I regret dearly the way in which I acted a little more the tyrant than I’d prefer with my own children as they grew. I see some of their own uncertainties and doubts as a result; and it grieves me horribly today. I wish I could change the clock and do it over.

I believe these may be a few of the scenarios that will pervert our sense of a healthy relationship.

As a result, we develop the habit of believing we cannot say no and if we do, we are bad.

So then we think or assume everyone else operates by this same dysfunctional way of thinking.

On top of that, in the West especially, you never really know if you are getting the truth from someone. Everything seems to be shrouded in “niceties” or “little white lies”.

What I mean is…a friend or family member will say yes to a request you’ve made of them. You later find out they bitched, griped, or complained about it to someone else behind your back.

They said yes, while their heart said no. This hurts us and it’s something which then sticks with us and helps to form our future relationship requests.

A few experiences like this will cause anyone to then reconsider asking anyone for help with anything. Instead of seeing their actions as abnormal, we often find ourselves thinking we were truly in the wrong for even asking. That’s the lie from hell we end up believing.

Avoid this.

When healthy in the mind, a human will ask another human for help or assistance or advice. They won’t pepper it with falsities such as “Oh…now…I don’t mean to trouble you…”.

No. You must simply ask or request. Then let the other person say yes or no. It stops there.

Do not believe lies in your mind.

Stop thinking you know their thoughts and desires (another god complex issue).

If they say yes, and don’t mean it, that’s not your problem. It’s theirs for not being mature or responsible enough to manager their own life and boundaries.

But you don’t own that. They do.

One other key would be this.

When someone does say no, it ends there. There should be no effort to guilt or manipulate your way into getting them to change their mind or agree to say yes. This creates the same above dynamic almost in reverse if it happens with regularity; be that with a spouse, a child, or a close friend.

No one likes being guilted and manipulated after they’ve given an answer or set a boundary. It’s often the normal way in which another will respond. But at it’s core this is the child in them who never really learned that when someone says no they mean it.

Well intentioned parents are often the culprit to this adult problem. The children never learned when mom or dad said no they meant it. Instead, the kids badgered and pestered (my poor parents) the parents until such time the parents, instead of holding strong, give in just to get the kid to shut the hell up.

Problem is, they take this into adulthood and make those who try and manage a relationship with them often quite miserable. I know because I am this guy far too often.

Well, to this my first wife, Sonja, would likely resoundingly agree. However with time, and the power of Jesus Christ, the great physician, I have indeed changed in this regard…some. My second wife, Joelle, is the judge and jury…and the jury…well, may still be out on this.

A Warm Hug

Not to get too gross and graphic, but the bible says in Solomon’s words

“An honest answer is like a warm hug.” - Proverbs 24:26 The Message

Who doesn’t like a warm hug? I mean really?

How about gold or silver? I think of these items set beautifully on a rich, wood table.

“Timely advice is lovely,

like golden apples in a silver basket.

To one who listens, valid criticism

is like a gold earring or other gold jewelry.” Proverbs 25:11-12 NLT

I don’t know about you, but a number of us have grown into adults afraid of speaking our minds. For various reasons we become petrified of speaking what we really think.

Further, we are even encouraged to be accepting and tolerant.

In some ways, this is the way of Jesus Christ.

In others, this has been twisted and used in a manner which takes away from our relationships, be they marriage or otherwise; from both inside the church and out.

In this section, I want to focus entirely on marriage.

There seems to be this misguided thinking in the world I live today that we are, as husbands and wives to be accepting, tolerant and long suffering.

Now, I do understand, we live with other human beings so we all offer up plenty that our fellow man must accept and tolerate from us.

We tend to, however, pervert this counsel in my view in ways which help to justify our poor behavior or our unwillingness to even listen to the things with which our spouse may have a distaste.

Here is an example (and ladies, I know full well this is going to upset some of you…just remember, warm hug…warm hug).

If I had a nickel for every example to which I could point that flows along these lines…well.

The flower business and my dealing with men has taught me this scenario along with the countless scenarios men create post wedding day.

In this example I will point to the female.

Over and over and over again, I see it happen.

A young woman, in search of a man, knowing some men in his search for a woman will enjoy gazing upon a female in good physical shape, who dresses well, and who perhaps may wear make up and perfume.

She will go to the gym, she will work out. She will dress in ways, while not skanky, certainly that flatter her physique. She will wear make up regularly and will do her hair. If through this, she meets a man, she will then express interest in his man things. Perhaps playing tennis if he is a tennis player, golf, or watching sports all day on TV (men…we really need to talk about this problem you have).

The wedding day comes and all is joy. She has what she always dreamed. A husband to spend the rest of time with.

Shortly thereafter, perhaps 6 or 12 months into it, she slowly begins to cease wearing make up, no more perfume, and the hair, more often than not is simply twirled up and tied up on top of the head in what I guess is referred to as a “messy bun”.

3 years into it, she has also put on 35lbs, no longer exercises or spends much time at the gym and certainly has no further interest in playing tennis with her husband.

She become the “real her”.

This husband is unhappy. He is dissatisfied with all these changes. This is not what he signed up for and it’s not at all what he thought this woman was brining to the table.

At some point, he finally brings himself to attempt to express his unhappiness with the way things are going related to his bride.

He is then met with exasperation and borderline disgust as she responds with such phrases as

“You are so shallow, you should love me for who I am.”

“Don’t you know all I have on my plate? I simply do not have time for those things any more.”

He is told in no uncertain terms that just the fact he even thought about such things, let alone brought them to her attention is borderline criminal.

The “accept” and “tolerate” commands are being used against him and it’s maddening.

Of course, the female is totally wrong here. She sold him a bill of goods and is using the scripture to twist and manipulate the facts to her favor.

Most men, here, simply will back down, apologize for being such a brute or cad and go about their days unhappy with their situation. Honestly, this man will be ripe for an affair, be it simply emotionally or even and worse yet physcially.

He will, when it happens, be blamed as the one in the wrong, when in truth the seeds of this began the day the woman he thought he was marrying turned into something and someone else.

No one likes to be duped. No one liked to be lied to. This is such a case.

She would have been much further ahead to be who she has become, who she actually was all along and found a man who was Okay with her THAT way instead of wearing a proverbial costume and then acting as if he’s a “cad” for being upset once she puts that costume in the attic for good.

That would have been the honest approach. She lied through action, plain and simple and only now has herself to blame for the marital unhappiness which follows her choices.

Men do it to.

How often I witnessed over the years men who go out of their way to buy the woman flowers to win her over and the day he has her stops doing so forever (unless he wants sex or is in trouble).

He also will have a million excuses as to why he does it.

However, his excuses are always unacceptable and intolerable. For whatever reason, he’s impugned and taken to task for being so selfish and for turning into this kind of guy.

It’s a strange paradox to me. She’s accepted for being a liar of sorts. He is properly condemned for being so.

It is always okay to take him to task for his lack of sensitivity or laziness.

However, let anyone say the female above is behaving selfishly and demonstrating laziness or slothful tendencies, worse yet built the entire front side of the relationship on a total lie and the accuser is verbally destroyed and a dogpile of ladies will join in to tear that person to shreds for being so shallow and lacking understanding.

In both cases simple honesty and directness is called for.

I must, you must, we must always speak the truth as we see it without fear of repercussion. The repercussion will ALWAYS be there. I am saying we shouldn’t fear it.

Yes, it’s great if we operate in a relationship in which it is safe to speak honestly and openly. Those are my favorite kinds.

I have a few of them with people I really love.

When I say that, I should clarify.

I am always straight forward and to the point. I spend little time in silly, time wasting attempts to protect someone’s frail feelings; this is in spite of many Christian speakers counsel to the contrary.

The relationships of which I speak are maintained with the few who know this about me, appreciate the fact that it’s that way, and choose to continue to maintain the relationship in spite of it.

Others with a distaste for such a concept avoid me.

In the above examples were I in such a situation, I would handle it with honesty.

If I were experiencing such a scenario with my own wife, I would express to her my distaste for the direction she is choosing. She might not like hearing it, but I care little about these feelings.

Do you think Jesus cared when he in essence told Peter he was doing Satan’s bidding that Peter’s feelings might be hurt?

“And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” -Matthew 16:22-23

I often have imagined what the discussions were like between the guys after that.

Peter

“Man, what the heck has gotten into him?”

Andrew

“Oh, you know, he’s having a bad day. Cut him some slack…he’s busy and might have had an argument with Elijah or Moses last night”.

Well, maybe not.

But I can all but guarantee you Peter was cut to the core being called Satan by Jesus, a man he loved so dearly at this point in time.

I am not suggesting any of us take a sledgehammer approach to dealing with the things which upset us in our relationships.

However, I am saying this.

Our American society has done a real number on how we act in honesty and transparency in our meaningful relationships.

We lie to others so we don’t hurt their feelings. “Wow, great solo up there today” when the person singing had NO BUSINESS being on stage singing.

We manipulate others through guilt and shame. “You know, Jesus would…”

And we wonder why marriages are falling apart, children have nothing to do with their parents any longer, friendships are cast down and destroyed.

Let’s Restore

If I could encourage you in any direction today with this writing it would be this.

Remember that an honest answer is like a warm hug (or kiss on the lips in some translations).

Speak to those you are in relationship with honestly. Tell them if there is something they are doing which you find intolerable, offensive or turns you off.

If you hope to have a fulfilling marriage 25, 30, 40 years into it, I suggest you bring up and discuss areas in which you find dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

Then, let it go. You did your part.

Let the other party deal with it should they choose.

In the above examples, it would look like this.

“You know, dear, you’ve put on a lot of weight since we were married and I really liked the fact that you did yourself up regularly. You were very attractive and appealing to me at that time. I gotta be honest however, I am not thrilled with the direction you’ve chosen. I’m tired of the greasy hair and sweat pant look you’ve now donned and certainly would appreciate you taking my desires into consideration”.

Or

“You know my husband, when we were dating, you always brought me flowers. You opened doors for me and left notes on my car in the mornings. I miss those things. They were special to me and honestly, they were the reasons I chose you over the others. I surely would appreciate it if you might consider my desires and wants in this situation”.

In both instances it then falls on the other human to make a choice. Do they care enough to change or will they selfishly make excuses for their unwillingness to adjust or the fact they are so lazy.

And yes, in almost all cases it just lazy.

If they had the time and energy to do it to get what they wanted, they are simply demonstrating laziness and complacency by stopping the practices post goal attainment.

I believe relationships built on total and radical honesty and openness are the only way to be.

I suspect if you were to begin to practice open and honest communication with those in your life, even if it’s scary and nerve wracking, you might be surprised at how things might change.

Worst case? You lose a relationship with someone that stressed the life out of you anyway.

Best case? The relationships you value rise to levels you can’t even imagine.

This is my thought for today.

I hope it’s helpful.

Until next time…

-rob out