Be Careful What You’re Sellin’

On Saturday of last week, my wife, Joelle, sent me a link to an article on Foxnews. In it, the writer reports on a story about a Pastor in Missouri and the wrath from the woke a sermon he gave has evoked.

He has been suspended by the General Baptist Ministries Association and is currently undergoing “counseling”. Read- Reeducation.

The general concept of the message (sermon) is that men want an attractive wife and women need to do a better job of not letting themselves go once married. He actually uses the words “don’t be a ‘butch’”. Woops.

Should you wish to see the story, and even watch the sermon bringing the wrath of the “woke” you can do so here.

This gentleman stands on a lot of nerves in this sermon. Some of which is not wrong. If you read my post on Gluttony, you will see in certain respects I agree with him.

I believe in this instance, while his intent was genuine, he missed the mark on two points. Please allow me to explain.

1) He’s a fat ass himself. Nothing more to say about that. Not the right person to be delivering his message. At least within the particular context he is trying to speak as well as the content therein. My advice to him. If you look down and can’t see your penis without bending forward, keep your mouth shut until such time you can.

2) He misses the bigger issue in the message. The issue is this. Be careful what you are selling.

This message is one I preach constantly to anyone who will listen. It’s composes a few chapters in the book I hope to some day publish “Men Want Sex, Women Want Flowers…You Do the Math”.

I believe it is the larger issue at hand here. I think it’s the root of the problem he outlines in his sermon.

Please indulge me while I explain.

I have observed this phenomenon often in the flower business and among those I know.

Photo Copyright Carole Anthony

Men and women both, prior to getting married, will often put on a show to get the girl or to get the guy.

Women who otherwise may not, work out, wear make up, maintain their figure, act very sexual, and do all kinds of things to get the guy’s attention.

Men, too, do a lot to get the ladies attention. Send flowers, talk for hours on the phone, go out with her and her friends, write love notes, buy gifts, spend countless hours “doing nothing”, cook together, go out to dinner together and so on.

This is the “act” they put on to win the girl or the guy.

This is the travesty.

In most cases, it’s exactly that. It’s an act.

They are selling a bill of goods. They are practicing deceit.

Why do I say this?

Because, as this pastor says in his sermon, suddenly, after marriage, it all stops.

Men “don’t have the time”.

Women “You should love me for who I am on the inside”.

Both are colossally wrong.

Why do I say this?

Because you led the other to believe this is who you are before you were married. You put on a show, like a peacock of sorts, only to revert to who you really are after you are married.

This, in my view, may help to contribute to our unreasonably high divorce rate.

The marriage started out veiled in dishonesty.

It’s deception full on. It’s a setup for failure.

The “Glamour Photography Days”. :-)

For example, as a woman, if you don’t like to wear makeup, or, as the pastor references, you like to go to the store in Flip Flops and sweatpants, then by God, you do that from the beginning.

If you really want him to love you for who you are, then be who you are. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, and then act like a snot when he’ s constantly angry because he feels duped once he’s “stuck” with you.

That’s on you!

It may not be what you want to hear, but this is an undeniable truth.

For the guys?

If you send flowers to win her over, then you dang better maintain the path after you are married. You best make sure you carve out time for her after she marries you like you did when you were obsessed with seeing her naked before she married you.

If you don’t and someone else begins to do so, well, you are a large part of the problem should she leave you.

For all this “trust was broken” talk in the Christian Community related to adultery and divorce. I would argue, and I do not think I am wrong here, the “trust was broken” before the marriage even started if the scenarios above or anything similar took place in the marriage. It was started on lies as it’s foundation. Is it any wonder this carries on into the relationship moving ahead?

I have a friend whose marriage fell apart after about 17 years. His wife left.

This was after years and years of her doing her level best to express her extreme distaste for how he treated her week in/week out.

He ignored it and attempted to justify why he behaved in such a way. He marginalized her feelings and desires often.

Now, I do know some of both sides. She was a little exhausting too.

However, the larger portion of any failure laid more at my friends feet than hers in my opinion. It’s because he lived for himself with little concern or regard for her.

I laughed some observing how desperately he tried to get her back, make it all better, do any and all things he could think of so she would stay with him.

Sadly, after 17 years, she had enough and let it go.

Nothing he could do would resolve it for her at that point.

Unfortunately, this happens too often in many relationships. We tend to take for granted what we have, particularly if we lean toward self centeredness. When they leave, we panic and do any and all things to get them back (often attempting to go back to the beginning, pre marriage, doing the exact things we did to win them in the first place). If someone reaches the point of finality, when you attempt to go back to the beginning, you actually further exacerbate their distaste for you. You are demonstrating further selfishness. You are showing them you are actually capable of being that person. But ONLY to get what YOU want. Just like you did at the beginning. This exposes your ruse. This also further reinforces why they don’t and refuse to trust you any longer.

Let me just add this here. Many of us take for granted the commitment of our present spouse. We convince ourselves that marriage is forever regardless of how I take and take and take. In other words, we become complacent and lazy believing “marriage is forever”. Especially as a Christian. The Christian may stay in it longer out of a moral obligation or sense of duty. But they will be miserable. Many will indeed make the choice to file for divorce and end the “suffering”. Far better to acknowledge this is possible. If you do, you stand a better chance of them not leaving. “Not looking” as the pastor notes. Although, I don’t agree entirely with his assessment in that portion of his sermon.

Here’s the takeaway.

First, do not be someone you are not to win the guy or gal over. Be who you are today.

If you don’t like playing tennis, then don’t start playing tennis hoping you pique their interest.

If you think flowers are a huge waste of money, don’t start sending them (which clearly demonstrates they DO work…and that’s why you send them).

Do both of you a favor and be selfish, be lazy, be a slob, be overweight at the outset of your dating adventures if this is your preferred lifestyle.

Don’t clean it up unless you dang well plan on keeping it cleaned up after you catch the fish for which you troll the waters.

Yes, as we get older life happens. We can’t maintain what we were in our 20’s and 30’s forever. Well, most of us anyway. ;-)

Yes, in a radical case, someone can become disfigured or maimed. These are issues over which people have no control.

I am talking about the simpler things.

If you are giving him lots of sex before you get married (I don’t condone this) then I recommend you plan to do so when he marries you.

I willing acknowledge most (not all) men are morons sexually. They need the lady’s help to understand how to push the right buttons. Most guys are incredibly selfish and hygienically leave a lot to be desired.

Far too many women in even their 30’s or 40’s have yet to have a single real orgasm. Guy’s, that’s on you…and it ain’t right.

These are issues that MUST BE DEALT WITH BEFORE YOU MARRY if you hope to keep him. Again, I don’t condone sex before marriage.

But if you are doing it, then by all means, get the issues resolved on the front side.

Don’t compromise sexually pre marriage if he’s selfish “like every man” grin and bear it only to shut it off after the “I Do’s”. Don’t “do it” only to get the ring and then quit. If you thought you were unhappy with the sex…you are in for a whole new world of strife with him moving forward.

Help him to understand where he sucks in bed and work to get it resolved because his desire to have sex won’t go away after you are married. Yours may, but that’s in large part because you were selling something under false pretense.

That’s unfair to both parties.

This is not an uncommon problem. I blame both parties.

The following is an all too true little story. And it would be funny if it didn’t ring so true.

An old grandfatherly man was one day talking with his 18 year old grandson.

His grandson had met a woman that he liked very much.

His grandfather said to him the following.

“Son, let me help you understand something now so it will not come as a surprise to you later in life.”

“Sure Grandpa, what’s that?”

“Find a glass jar with a narrow neck. Starting now, put a single nickel in that jar every time you and your new lady friend have a sexual encounter. Let them drop in and just leave them in there.

Having done this, then I want you to do the following.

Once you are married, take two nickels out of that jar every time you have sex.

There will still be nickels left should you die an old man”.

I have a friend who’s a Urologist. A doctor that deals with men and their penis and bladder issues. He sees men every day. Many of these men reinforce the story above.

I blame both parties. Both the man and the woman.

At any rate, be careful what you are selling.

Monitor what you are doing, how you are talking as well as behaving.

Make sure you are able and willing to continue on with what you are doing prior to marriage after the vows are spoken.

You are, like it or not, setting expectations in another human’s heart and mind as to who you are and who you will be as a spouse.

If you don’t, if you instead choose to pull a bait and switch, a lot of the future suffering you will endure lays squarely on your shoulders.

If you choose selfish, lazy, or narcissistic behavior; if you choose to STOP doing what you did to win their heart, do not be surprised if someday, like my friend, you are “blindsided” by the service of Dissolution of Marriage court documents.

You have been warned. :-)

I think had the pastor in the news story and video approached it from this angle, he may have seen a little less backlash. Although in this world of pansies we now live, I am sure we agree that no matter how it’s addressed, it would have ticked ‘em off.

I guess this backlash may be one of the unintended consequences brought by raising 2 generations who believe there are no losers and “everyone get’s a trophy” no matter what.

“Consequences? What’s that?”

Am I wrong?

~rob out