On MY Terms

A Lesson from Saul

As of late, I have really been struggling with getting out of God’s way. Both in my own life as well as in the lives of others.

In all honesty and transparency, I struggle very much with the concept of putting my faith in God to make good on his word that he will provide what I need…one day at a time.

Whenever I make the effort to truly sit back and let go, letting him determine the outcome to the various matters with which I struggle, I find a sense of peace and calm.

Great, right?

Sure.

That then lasts, oh, you know, about 2 minutes and I am back at it.

Why is this?

I’m horribly impatient. I think I need to do more and get at it. I need to get resolve, fix, repair.

I have lived a life of “I want this or that…and I want it now”.

This has taken many forms.

Marriages, job choices, housing choices, vehicle choices, where to live choices, business choices, relationship choices, you name it.

Every so often, I’ll do the right thing and put “it” (whatever it is that troubles me) to him in my discussions and prayers and then I’ll wait…for…maybe 10 minutes.

If I get “crickets” and that answer doesn’t come IMMEDIATELY, I have always taken matters into my own hands.

Results? Disasters. Lots and lots of disasters.

I worry, I fear, I develop various stress and anxiety “Will this ever be fixed?” “Will such and such ever stop?” “Will he do this?” “Will she do that?” “Will I have enough, time, money, love, patience…?”

At 56, I am starting to become tired and worn out.

Life hasn’t turned out as I would have hoped. I mean, it’s not horrible. I have much for which to be grateful, but it’s not what I would have hoped.

Some has little to do with me and the choices I’ve made.

However, if I practice honestly, most all the things with which I find trouble or are painful have been brought about by my own choices, decisions and actions.

Over the past days, it seems the Lord is working to get my attention. As he has done so frequently in the past, he’s again trying to nudge me toward leaning on him, letting go of those things which cause me pain and hardship. In that letting go, letting him handle the details.

Just today, in fact, through a study I’ve been doing in the Bible App by Charles Stanley, I am encouraged to trust God to direct my steps. Seek his guidance. The specific scripture he used for today’s study is

“The Lord directs the steps of the godly.

He delights in every detail of their lives.” Psalm 37:23

This was after I had already read Proverbs 3 for the morning having had verses 5-7 screaming at me.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do,

and he will show you which path to take.

Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom.

Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.”

Finally, then I completed 1 Samuel by reading the final 3 chapters.

In them, Saul’s life ends, through suicide. Falling on his sword, because his life was at it’s unfortunate end. The ultimate move taking one’s life into their own hands.

I left these readings with a conviction that if I am not careful, my life will go the direction of Saul.

Heck, who am I kidding, I’ve been living like Saul most of my life.

I’ve been attempting to live for the Lord, but truly have been, just like Saul, doing things on my own terms.

I think I’ve experienced similar results.

I hope to get to a place where I really do begin to trust in the Lord.

I’ve spent my life attempting to do it all my way and trying to convince others to do it my way while believing I’m living “in the Lord”.

I’m exhausted by doing so.

There certainly is a freedom in letting go, accepting where things are along with the outcomes they bring, in spite of the pain they may cause.

If I can only make this trusting in the Lord concept a reality; one to which I truly cling, life would get so much easier.

I am, however, stubborn and I have horribly embedded habits. Habits and ways of thinking and worrying that I wonder will ever subside or change.

Jesus makes it clear.

If I trust in him, he, through the promise of help from the Holy Spirit, will make me new.

Now…if I can just believe that and then wait patiently for the results, trusting in him to do so and refusing to allow myself to take over…well…it just may work.

If only letting go didn’t feel like I’m shirking or being lazy…it might be easier to allow.

This is my thinking this morning,

-rob out