The Pain In Parenting

An Unfortunate Truth

If you are a parent who has gone through or is going through pain regarding one or more of your children, this post is for you.

There are joys in parenting. Sure. With parenting comes significant levels of pain. I hope that by the end of this article you will have found some ways in which you can muster up hope, and if not hope, peace as you deal with the cards you have been dealt at the hand of your child’s choices.

I remember well the day each of the children with whom God in Heaven ordained me with the responsibility of raising were born.

Joyous, yet scary times.

At that period of time I would worry. I never wanted harm to befall their little bodies and minds.

We did our best to raise them up in the ways they should go.

Thankfully, the Lord loudly got my attention at a Promise Keepers conference in 1995.

That weekend, all those years ago, changed the trajectory of my life and put it on the pathway which has led me here today.

Included in this was the systematic retooling of how the kids would be raised. Grateful I was.

I fretted and suffered angst over the years as I would find myself deeply moved by stress and anguish whenever any of them would suffer.

I would also find my mind furious at times with their infighting and their nonsense related to just being kids. In particular, disrespecting their mother. This carried over to my second marriage with my stepson and the relationship with he and his mother and I.

Mess with mom, suffer the wrath of dad. No questions asked.

Then…they all turned into adults.

With it has come adult sized problems. The childhood traumas and problems now pale in comparison.

At times, I’d love to trade the troubles of today for those troubles and worries I faced during the days I THOUGHT I was having trouble.

Yet, we are only given that which we are capable of handling; with of course a dependence on Jesus Christ to strengthen us.

I am writing this today because I am aware and know there are a number of people in my life who are struggling horribly with pain as they watch their adult children make poor, life destroying choices.

I am writing this for them.

I am, however, writing this also for me. I am writing this to me. I need to give myself some counsel and advice. For at this moment in time, I too am dealing with choices which I view as very poor related to not one, but multiples of my children, now adults.

Perhaps if you are reading here, you can glean something from my advice to myself.

Assuming I was a fairly decent parent, not needing to make amends for past wrongs that were of a “large scale”, I can then properly reflect upon my life as a father, a parent and later a friend. If, however, there are wrongs I have committed, if there is pain I am aware of that I have caused, it is assumed for the sake of this writing I have done my level best to make amends to each and all of them to whom I have caused harm.

Of “large scale” being defined, in my life as, say, abandoning them and leaving forever; perhaps for another woman. Or serious long term physical beatings or horrible verbal, mental or sexual abuse.

Or maybe living horribly selfishly, pursuing all of my own desires, goals, and dreams of wealth and success while relegating them to the back seat as simply addendums or after thoughts in my life that need attention like, say, caged rabbits every so often.

If examples such as these are not part of my past, then from here I can establish my personal point of evaluation. This evaluation is necessary in my attempt to bring peace to my soul and mind over matters now out of my hands.

God says, in his word, that if we are to lead them well, they will go well.

Specifically it says

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 ESV

What becomes less clear is the definition of old.

Does this mean, say, 40, or 50, or 60?

What happens in the middle?

From my perspective, that middle can and may be wrought with varying degrees of hell.

Speaking from experience, hell it is.

The life I am now seeing is not the life I envisioned years ago related to being an aging father with adult children. In fact, there is, at this moment in time, very little in my own visions and hopes for the future which have come to pass. In fact, things I would never have dreamed would come, have in fact arrived.

I am not sure there can be any greater degree of pain a parent can endure than to watch their adult child suffer consequences for making choices that are going to create long term pain and damage.

We can see it, but they, in their choices (and pride) ignore our wise, and what should be merited and earned counsel, instead opt for doing it their own way.

This is a difficult level of pain with which to deal.

Let’s say I have a daughter and she is attacked one night in a parking lot, beaten and raped and left for dead. That’s one kind of pain. This pain is not anything caused by her choices. She is innocent in this crime. It does, however, bring significant pain, not only for her, but for me as her father.

Let’s say then this same daughter instead is beaten each week by a violent husband and refuses to leave him, in spite of our counsel otherwise. This is another kind of pain. She is, to a certain degree a victim of her own choices. Yes, there is another adult involved, but she is to some degree complicit in this pain cycle.

Finally, let’s say said daughter becomes a Meth addict and sells herself sexually consistently in crack houses and “shooting galleries” to fund and feed her meth addiction; constantly on the edge of death by overdoses. Another level of pain entirely. This pain is aptly shown in an amazing moving called “Beautiful Boy” starring Steve Carell on Amazon Prime. If you have not seen it and you have a drug using adult child, you must take the time to watch it. It’s an amazing story…and it’s true. It’s free for Prime Members.

Today I’ll address the latter. The pain a child brings when they choose, against common sense, wisdom, and godly counsel to ignore it all and go their own way, embracing selfishness with a blatant disregard for the parent or the family at large.

Destruction will surely come.

This deviation from God’s wisdom is where Satan wants to lead them that he may work slowly to destroy them.

In our age and in our wisdom we can see this and know it. They often however, will ignore our attempts to shift their direction.

And as adults, we must let them. The hardest part is and will remain letting go; letting go knowing the pain they will likely bring upon themselves later as well as potentially hurting a number of bystanders along the way.

Were this not an age old problem there would be no reference to this in the Bible. BUT there is plenty to find all throughout scripture.

Let me see what Proverbs, the book of wisdom has to say which may encourage me in the long term.

“My child, listen when your father corrects you.

Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction.

What you learn from them will crown you with grace

and be a chain of honor around your neck.” Proverbs 1 :8-9

“My child, if sinners entice you,

turn your back on them!

They may say, “Come and join us….

My child, don’t go along with them!

Stay far away from their paths.” Proverbs 1: 10-11 and 15

Yet they choose to ignore us and our attempts to guide. Pride has taken hold and they will do it their way. In so doing, they open the door to much suffering.

Here’s the hardest part, we can do nothing about it.

Many may try. I’ve watched countless adults be enabled to maintain their madness by well meaning parents or spouses who bail their child out hoping this will be the “last time”.

Parents will give money, provide housing and/or shelter, give cars, provide food and groceries, etc..

It will not be the last time. The farther along they get in their selfishness, the farther away they walk from reason and wisdom. But hey, if they can still eat and have shelter, what motivation is there to change?

It’s here God is clear on the natural, self inflicted consequences they must endure through their own choices.

“I called you so often, but you wouldn’t come.

I reached out to you, but you paid no attention.

You ignored my advice

and rejected the correction I offered.” Proverbs 1 :24-25

Soooooo

“When they cry for help, I will not answer.

Though they anxiously search for me, they will not find me.

For they hated knowledge

and chose not to fear the Lord.

They rejected my advice

and paid no attention when I corrected them.

Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way,

choking on their own schemes.” Proverbs 1 :28-31

Many parents will try to stop that last part. No parent likes to watch their child suffer through eating the bitter fruit of living their own way when it could have easily been avoided.

Sadly, there often is no other way for us, as humans to learn. I know that’s been the case for me. It’s likely the case for all of us.

For many parents, particularly those with children choosing to shun wisdom and scoff at their advice along with scoffing at God and his word, the most difficult time will be when God’s truth starts to play out and verse 31 of Proverbs 1 begins to take effect.

It’s hell to watch and hell to have to be a part of.

Here is where we may, if we have children at some day find ourselves.

If it’s causing you to feel sad, down, depressed, you should know, God knows.

He’s clear on it.

“It is painful to be the parent of a fool;

there is no joy for the father of a rebel.” Proverbs 17:21

Yes, you read that right. There is no joy for the parent of a rebellious child.

The feelings we suffer through as we, if we are doing it the right way, let them suffer through the pain of living their own way, are expected and normal. At least from my perspective.

A Word from The Master

As I near the end of this post, I believe the Master has the best counsel on this pain in parenting. It came to me in two stories this morning. I’d like to share them with with you.

The first is from the time in his ministry in which Jesus sends out the 12 disciples for their first “mission”. This brief story is referenced in Luke 9, verses 1 thru 5. They were empowered to cast out demons and heal diseases. An amazing time in their lives, I am sure. He gave them special instructions on how to travel, what to do, and how to deal with their circumstances.

What caught my attention in my reading today is verse 5. “And if a town refuses to welcome you, shake its dust from your feet as you leave to show that you have abandoned those people to their fate.” Luke 9:5 NLT

Here we get insight into how best to deal with those who refuse to listen and hear the truth. Shake the dust off our feet (a significant signal or sign in that day and age) and then, as Jesus himself says, abandon them to their fate.

Ouch. Many of us, as parents, do just the opposite. We attempt to fix, advise, plead, beg. And often, in so doing, stand in the middle; in the way of them realizing the necessary fate to finally get to the place they must to turn it around once and for all. As noted earlier, we provide money, shelter, housing, and do everything we can do to lessen the blow our children MUST feel as an adult to truly change their ways.

A Proper Handling

The Lord does also provide a good example of the right way to handle this pain. It’s in the story of the Prodigal Son, found in Luke 15, verses 11-32.

If you are not familiar with this story, the father had two sons, one living “right” the other living in what I believe was rebellion. At the very minimum, making wrong choices constantly as a young man. The rebel talked the father into giving him his share of the estate, or inheritance early, before the father died. He was given money. Seemingly quite a bit of cash.

He, like so many in history, took the opportunity to make very poor choices.

He took it, moved away, and began to live the wild life.

“A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. “ Luke 15:13

Notice, he did like so many in the “addict” world do. It’s what we all do when we begin living in our idiot choices. Adultery, drug and alcohol addiction, gambling, you name it. All kinds of poor choices or series thereof.

We move away from those who love us. Often FAR away. We don’t want to be anywhere near where those who care for us are. We want no one who really knows us to be able to see what we are doing. We then surround ourselves with people who will approve of our stupidity and idiocy and in fact will encourage us to dive deeper and deeper into it.

The bottom line is, when we begin making our poor choices which eventually evolve into horrible choices, we avoid the truth and those who will speak it to us at all costs. We especially want to avoid those who know us best, for they are the ones able to see right through our lies and self delusional behavior and actions.

You’ll then note the result. Jesus gets right to the point almost immediately following the above verse.

“About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything.” Luke 15: 15-16

Here’s the significant point in this particular set of verses. If you know the context you will understand the references to the pigs.

There could be no more unclean animal to the Jews of that day than the pigs. No more detestable creature. And here Jesus says, this man was so low, he was willing to absolutely degrade himself to a level that was almost unthinkable. Eat the food given to the pig.

This, in my view, would be akin to the utter depths of living an addict can and almost must sink to in order to wake up. You will hear stories beyond belief from recovering addicts related to just how far they were willing to and did go in order to support their Junkie habits. In that day, this son was THAT low.

This degradation can take place across the spectrum in any and all things outside doing the right thing. It can apply to Adultery, Alcoholism, Pornography addiction, Gambling, Drug addiction and so on. Whatever is OUTSIDE the way in which God tells us to live in his word has the potential outcome of causing significant levels of pain in an adults life. It DOES NOT necessarily have to be something as extreme as meth addiction for example.

There is a significant point I desperately want for you to see from this story in the bible.

In the story, the father let him go. There is no reference to the father following the son around, hounding him with counsel, giving him more money, and enabling this child to continue.

Nope. The dad kept going with his life and let the son go to do as he wished.

The son avoided the family for some time, although we have no real gauge of the time passed.

There is one thing the father did, however. He watched and waited.

He did what he could. That was simply watching and waiting.

Early in the book of Luke, in telling the disciples how to handle those who do not want to hear the truth, remember Jesus’ words.

In chapter 9 we are told that people must be left to their own devices to suffer their fate.

The book of Proverbs, as referenced earlier, makes it clear. They will.

We all will.

If we choose to ignore godly wisdom laid out in His word, we must be left to suffer our fate.

Humans are stubborn. The bible makes it clear. We are.

God will and does allow us to suffer our fate. He is then waiting for us to turn back to him.

Sadly, as parents, we often get a front row seat to the pain our children cause themselves through their choices.

It’s imperative though that we stop trying to convince, persuade, and manipulate through our words or financial assistance the ultimate outcome.

The sooner we get out of the way and “let them suffer their fate”, the sooner they hit bottom and become convinced ON THEIR OWN (as did the prodigal son) that there is a better life. Often, that better life is back with the parents and family who loves them.

I want to stress here, and I speak from experience, the following. There is a very strong likelihood that in this process, to add insult to injury, you will be blamed for the suffering child’s plight. Often times, those who have made a mess of their life want someone else to blame. To do so, in their minds, removes them having to take responsibility for the messes they have made. If they can blame someone else, they will. You need to know, it’s not yours to own or accept responsibility for. God, in his wisdom saw this too. Here’s what he says about it.

“People ruin their lives by their own foolishness

and then are angry at the LORD.” Proverbs 19:3

God tells us here, people like to blame. They ruined their lives through their choices but since the beginning of time, they do not like to own their messes. So, if they are going to blame God, you can bet they are going to blame you.

In the meantime, the only real way we can find any sense of peace and strength is to let it all go, accept our inability to control the outcome and turn it over to Jesus Christ to cope with it; take it from us.

To coin one of the many, often cheesy, Alcoholics Anonymous catch phrases…

“Let Go and Let God”.

He’s asking that we do so. It’s best we try. Well, better yet, to quote Yoda “Do or do not, there is no try”. Give it to Christ.

Be encouraged.

rob out