A Thought About Fear At Christmastime

I think that one of the greatest problems as humans we face is the fact that others may not approve of us.

I suspect this is partly one of the largest problems platforms such as this pose. It's designed to get you addicted to the approval of others.

The rub then becomes when others disapprove of what you post.

To be un-liked, to be rejected hurts...a lot.

And this is why we often do things we don't want to do.

The guilt (see my former post) and the fear of the rejection is more than we can take (so we think).

However, to live in this means living into things that we may not want to live in. In so doing, we find ourselves in this miserable circle that won't stop.

We do things to please others, because we want to avoid their wrath, or the guilt they lay at our doorstep. When we do, we get ulcers because we know what participating is going to mean. It always ends the same, yet, because we are SO afraid of what it may mean to say no, we say yes.

We are then angry, very angry, and very afraid, and mad at ourselves for going along again.

Let me give you a real life example of this from my own life.

When I was a kid, my parents dragged us to my grandparents home. It was fun...sort of.

My cousins were there, and as time went on, there were a LOT of us. We had fun.

However, my grandmother caused the fear of hell to well up in my little body and mind.

She was a very volatile woman. She did not like little kids, AT ALL.

So I was petrified of her all of my young life. I HATED having to be in her company as a little boy. She terrified me.

This made Christmas Eve a double edged sword.

I enjoyed my cousins and their company and I really looked forward to that night. But I was terrified of my grandmother and of the potential of her "going off" at some point.

On top of that, I was exhausted and ready for bed around 10 most of the time. My parents, as I recall, liked to stay much later...so if memory serves me well, it seems I had to get some sleep at the grandparents...and then make our way home when the adults decided it was time to leave for the evening. I may be wrong here, but this is my recollection.

This is my memory of Christmas eve.

As an adult, when I married Sonja, we kept at it. We continued the "tradition" because it's what the family did. It was an obligation.

My kids then became the little kids we once were.

Then little Levi, our youngest came into being.

When Levi was about 2, we were at their house again for a Christmas eve and he did something that really pissed my grandmother off.

The look of terror in my son's eyes as he was horrified by her wrath was the end of it for me.

I won't tell you the expletives that went through my head.

However, that was the last Christmas we went out of our way to expose our kids to utter insanity.

I made a choice that year I would NOT willingly submit my children to the fear of hell that I experienced almost any time I was around her as a little boy. I didn't care what others thought any more.

I remember a conversation my grandfather and I had after a few years of us no longer attending the Christmas Eve obligatory gathering.

Grandpa "You know Rob, we sure miss you and would love to have you at the Christmas even gathering. You are always welcome and you know how much your grandma enjoys and misses you being there."

Note the attempt to toss the guilt my way. Not to mention the obvious rob thought "Grandma? Are you kidding me? What the F planet are you living on?"

Rob "Well, grandpa, I understand, but I have decided that in noway will I subject my kids to grandmas temper and rage and wrath as I feared when I was a kid. When she treated Levi as she did, I made a decision that day. I would not do things and participate in things out of a sense of obligation because it's the 'right thing' to do. It may be right to you, but to me, the safety, sanity, and well being of my kids far outweighs any obligatory time spent at Christmas because it's what we always do".

He understood and I never heard about it again.

It was my grandmas problem, not mine, that she behaves in such a way. I do not have to be a part of it "Just because".

At that point in my life I cared nothing what everyone thought of me for making that decision. Why? The following Christmas eve was peaceful, full of joy and laughter, and tremendously enjoyable. Just me, Sonja, and our 3 kids.

Peace. It was mine. I loved it. Every year following was a blessing as I looked over my family and saw not fear, not anxiety, but instead, peace and calm. The cycle had been broken.

I have lost count at how many of these type scenarios have presented themselves to me since that time, but I can tall you that I surely do not regret not participating in events out of obligation but instead because I choose to, on my own accord, by my own limits and boundaries, looking past what others may think of me.

The devil, you know, Satan, he doesn't want you to live in peace. So he bombards you with the thoughts and feelings that to set limits, to let others suffer their own choices, the consequences of their stupid choices, is Un Christlike.

Hell, he will even use other Jesus People to give you the message. "You have to show them the love of Jesus". Have you heard that line before?

Nah. That's a load of garbage. It's the excuse people use to stay in their sick cycles.

You will find, in the book I previously mentioned to you, Boundaries, that there is biblical support for letting others suffer due to their own sin and choices.

To let them, may bring real change and healing.

In my grandmothers case (and many others in my life), it didn't change a thing that I stopped participating. She is the same angry and volatile human today that she was 20 plus years ago at that event.

With these people there will likely always be someone to come along and bail them out. Someone to come along and enable their abusive ways.

However, if you step out and face the fear of finally saying (for your own well being) "OH HELL NO", and no longer participate, you will begin to see, as the scales fall off your eyes, that indeed they are the one with the problem and you will instead choose freedom over fear. Liberation from guilt and fear will be yours.

Trust me, it's worth it.

Sometimes, as you elevate yourself to get that birds eye view, it's lonely. But when the peace surrounds you, when the wind blows through your hair, and you can hear the Lord in the silence up there, on top of that mountain, looking over that canyon, you will know, as I do, that it's the right place to be.

It is worth it. Always.